Archive for weakness

She Snorted Her Mashed Potatoes

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on March 1, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

Funny thing happened on the way back from the buffet, she snorted her mashed potatoes!

What?

 We are getting “High” on everything now. Cinnamon, nutmeg, herbal incense (Synthetic marijuana) are just a few of the many mood altering substances out there. Hell, who dreams up this stuff, “I think I’ll snort some nutmeg today”? And if we aren’t getting high, we are getting fat on fried Twinkies. We are an addicted society. We are addicted to fast food, fast internet, and anything that gives us instant gratification.

Did I mention sex? The world is filled with sexy. Sex is fair game. The hunt is on. Just turn on the TV, open the newspaper, walk into our malls or just listen to our music. Our moral ground has shifted. Or has it?

Over indulgence. Instant pleasure. The ultimate fulfillment.

So the whole human (and not so human) race vacillates between good and evil? Morality vs immorality? Goodness vs iniquity?

 I’m not sure I’ve done anything in moderation. I doubt I even know what that is. If I do something, I do it to the extreme (except exercise) — My addictive personality I feel certain. That is why I am a drug addict and an alcoholic. If the bottle says take two pills, I take four. And heaven forbid I just sip on a glass of wine. Who does that anyway? Gulp!

My new addiction—Starbucks.

Moderation or there-lack-of is why I struggle with staying thin. If I bake cookies, I only eat one but I eat half the bowl in cookie dough. Lack of moderation is why I struggle with other things in my life. Always another thorn in my flesh as Paul wrote about.

For Noah was drunk on wine… David took a mistress …even the animals ate fermented fruit.

Today…let me just simply be…

Love, Connie

A Simple Prayer

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on January 28, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

What do I oppose?

Scoundrels? Thieves? Skid row bums?

not really….

Who do I defend?

God? Family? Friends?

I’d like to say yes…

Searching for things…in my own life to fill that insatiable hunger that goes on into the night calling me by name.  And I feed its’ hunger like a furious wild animal gone too long without food. I forget to see above my natural instinct of desires and fall into the pit of longing.

Great regret sets in for having tumbled over enticing moments in time.

But grace sets in and reminds me of the Voice of Hope.

Not joining in would be an act of betrayal.

Simple faith… one simple day.

From a simple prayer.

Beautifully Awkward

Master-Slave –A Heart of One

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on June 8, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

To be a Master or the Slave — each has their own attributes. The Master has great responsibility, yet the slave too can live an enriched life given the right circumstance, in the right moment to the certain person.

The Master assumes ultimate responsibility for the well-being of one’s self or another. They are the final decision maker unless they choose to delegate to the Slave.

The Slave makes a choice to live in voluntary servitude. This is a choice.

What if I choose to live in one area over another too long? Is there not a balance? Sometimes Master – sometimes Slave?

Am I in denial or defensive and stuck in a dysfunction emotional rut?

Am I the Master of my situation until it becomes uncomfortable and then retreat into Slave mode? A nagging fear triggers a consensual relationship between the two causing me to live in a fantasy world, lacking reality. Thus, as the Master I don’t feel in control of the situation, yet as the Slave I don’t feel empowered. The outcome is—frustration and ambiguity.

There must be a guided trust between the two. Mastering control and surrendering ego at a given time. It is vital to maintaining a relationship apart from addictions, co-dependencies and other self-bondage weaknesses… For I can become a Slave to those things that have mastered me. (2 Peter 2:19)

Regardless, the role of the Master and the Slave carry the heart of each other. Without internal motivation and self-examination, I can never understand the needs or desires of myself or others… That my work be done according to the Master’s plan. (Matthew 25:21)

A heart of One….

Beautifully Awkward

Washed Ashore

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on December 17, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Sobriety is a gift. But it can also be taken from me in the blink of an eye. I am on guard when times are tough but what about when times are good? I let my defenses down. I relax. And it is in those times, I also let my guard down.

In those moments, I remember the euphoria of life artificially induced by chemicals that I might seek the pleasures long forgotten or by something never known.

During these times, I must be on my safeguard from failure.

One day not too long ago, I sat on the beach listening to the water wash ashore, enjoying the warmth of the sun as it beat down on my shoulders. I should have been content but I was not. I wanted to rise higher. Like a little child, “Swing me higher daddy.”

I went back to the days when I was unrestrained. My thoughts shook my foundation for the brief time in which I stood unsettled.

Whether life is good, bad or just indifferent, I will always need to be on watch.

For this day I am given the gift of peace in my shipwrecked mind.

Washed ashore–I am grateful–for today!

Beautifully Awkward

Jesus Passed By

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on November 6, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

I was too late. Delayed once again by my procrastination. Now… I stood there wondering where the others were. I was alone…again.

Opportunities. Promises. Yet Again, disappointing myself and those around me.

The hopeless, the helpless, the ruined, the forsaken– Lost in my world of shame, onlookers shook their heads for they had given up. I have seen the look in your eyes. Something within me caused you great unrest. I touched a deep place within you that reminded you of your own weakness.

The sobering reality–some of us will not make it through life unscathed of personal tragedies through our own making.

(John 5:13) “…for Jesus had quietly gone away (had passed on unnoticed)…”
 
 What anguish IT WOULD HAVE BEEN if I had arrived only to find Jesus had already passed by. I had missed the most important moment in eternity.

BUT it did not happen that way.

My miracle has come in many forms these days… I am sober. And my miracle came after many disappointments. I did not give up.

And Jesus Passed By…as I followed

I pursued my miracle (Jesus) through my rubble, until I found Him.

Or shall I say, He found me.

Beautifully Awkward

Use Your Weapon

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 22, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

I discussed with a dear friend the other day some concerns regarding addiction. She wanted to know more about alcohol and drug dependence, specifically. Ironically, I recently had become aware of how little people really do know about this illness. My friend is dealing with someone in her family that is chemically dependent.  Although she does not suffer from chemical dependency at this point, she does suffer from a type of addiction–food. She is obese. She also understands how susceptible she is to many of the disease I will mention and addiction as well.

Most people just do not understand this illness so they become the sideline spectator. It’s like when I sit on the sidelines of a football game. All of a sudden, I become the expert referee, coach and player when truthfully I don’t know much about the game. My outbursts come during many excitable moments of the game. It is easier to yell from the bleachers and say, “Just don’t do it” especially if you really do not understand the dynamics of this game (illness).

I have a great personal interest invested into this disease–for many personal reasons other than just myself but I will leave it at that. So recently I did some research and found an article on addiction. I also consulted with several medical professionals who deal with this malady on a daily basis.  I have developed great faith and trust in the information the physicians provided regarding “Indulgences of the chemical kind!”

Thus, one of the first things counselors and addiction researcher’s stress about drug and alcohol dependency is that it is a disease, not a simple choice. Though people may decide to try drugs or may be treated for chronic pain, consequently an addict is born at the first pill. Addiction is now a physical and mental need.

“There IS a point in time where it IS a choice – but that window is very narrow,” Most of the time, people do not even realize they are addicted to the medication until they are at a point of no return or usually still in treatment for their ailment, said Wyoming Valley counselor James Crossan,  a recovered addict himself.

Crossan leaned forward. “People don’t pick  drug addiction or alcoholism.” Dr. Charles Dackis explains addiction as a disease of the brain’s award center– Kind of like food, pornography, the constant need for Atta-boys, church over-achievers and the list is infinite.

Is addiction hereditary? Yes…it can be… but it doesn’t have to be.

Do not let people tell you that you cannot beat this, you can. If you have failed a million times, who is to say you were to make your miracle at a million and one? People can be cruel, they will use our disease as a weapon against us but God uses our weakness to strengthen us. (2 Corinthians1:3-5; Matthew 11:28-20)

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2Corinthians 12:9)

Use your weapon!!

Beautifully Awkward