Archive for Victory

Demons and Dragons

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on May 6, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

 

The other day, my husband and I were talking about a time in his life when he was faced with a medical crisis. He could have easily died. Then we talked about where I was in my addiction at that time unbeknownst to him. He had no idea of the demons I was struggling with. Heck, I consciously was unaware myself.

Life is just funny like that when I look back on it…glimpsing at how intertwined and interwoven God has mapped out my days. So, hubby and I went on to talk about the what ifs had turned out different in our life, we may be facing a different time for our family now.

But we were one of the lucky ones.

Not just because my husband lived but because I am clean today– No small feat. No small miracle!

Some days when I find it hard to get out of bed and carry on, I try to remember that God has a greater plan for me. (Jer 29:11)

I don’t know what the plan is but I know what it has taught me thus far. What sobriety has taught me is I’m no longer quick to judge. I have been where most people will never go so who am I to judge.

I love deeply. I have learned to love past all the warts and scars.

I inhale the sweet aromas of fresh blooming flowers. I have come to cherish the vibrant colors and fresh scents they exude.

I now enjoy silence and the stillness of peace in the midst of Chaos. I sense the breath of the God Almighty.

The demons and the slayers of dragons—are shadows of the past.

Today I enjoy—me.

Beautifully awkward…

Love,

Connie

A Force To Be Reckoned With

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on February 5, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

Sometimes, I just get depressed. I don’t know if it’s my personality or real depression. I try to figure out what is going on in my head by telling my sponsor or writing it down. Sometimes, it makes sense and sometimes it just doesn’t.

Already I have probably lost you. But I will try once again to explain this. For me.

I have highs and lows in any given second. I yell easily, cry hard and am timid when it comes to love. I might hug you if I feel safe with you. I still feel awkward at times with hugging people if I don’t know you. I absolutely will not open up to you unless I have known you for some time and then it is iffy (as I share my life on this blog 🙂  ).

I get anxious over small things and hit the big things with a force to be reckoned with. It is the fear of little things that devour me and worry me to death.  I worry about things that haven’t even happened and may never happen. Then after I have convinced myself that the worst has happened like my son has been in a wreck, I become crippled with fear. Geez …

By now, I’m terribly upset and I don’t want you or anyone to get me out of this craziness I have gotten myself into. I am in mental lockdown.

So, I went to the doctor… and he gave me some medicine for this “depression.” Eventually, all was well. I am like the pendulum swinging in the middle instead of the extremes. “So this is what it’s like? To be normal?”

My husband actually decided he liked the new me.  (instead of his screaming, yelling, crying temperamental wife)

At first, I felt like a failure… Another pill… but my friend said, diabetics take a pill…. You have a disease, take the pill. Not like I’m getting high on it!!

I don’t cry as hard… like I want to be a blubbering idiot anyway.

So I look at it this way, I’ve been dug out of the ditch to have a fighting chance to be who I really am.

To be Beautifully Awkward.

And Freedom Rings

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on August 20, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

Defective relations along the way have been many a cause of my woes….Not just the relationship with family and friends but God.  The further into my addiction I fell, the more difficult it was to hear the calls of my Heavenly Father…

Willingness to submit to God’s will was an awkward thing for me. In the beginning it was a conscious and painstaking effort. Then my awareness of this stirring became more of a discomfort and unease.  I was self-righteously right on all accounts in every relationship. This only caused more strife in my life.

Once I came to a point of complete brokenness, I had nothing left to interfere with the voice of God. Through my powerlessness, I came to believe a power greater than myself and I could hear that still small voice reaching out to me. (1 Kings 19:11-13) A tremendous love beckoned me. (1 Jn 4:10)

I had been my own worst enemy.

A few pills won’t hurt anyone….But it did.

For a moment in my brief life, I have resolved there is still time… time to clear the wreckage. I sift through the pains of yesterday. I pick up the pieces of scattered sorrows, some I leave.

Discomfort and unrest have now caused me to take action…my unmanageable life is now lived through the love of God…

There is a choice now for I am free.

And Freedom Rings….

Beautifully Awkward

Emotional Sobriety

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on June 18, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

Being emotionally sober might be harder than chemically sober. I have learned a lot these past few months about myself. I have learned that I am self-centered, self-absorbed and just selfish. If God had said to me, do not eat of the fruit of this tree, I would have said, “Surely not, I am your chosen one…” and would have made an apple pie from every last apple on the tree.

 

I have seen the ugly side of my external internal war that rages within me. If only the “me” could retreat, the battle would be over. Peace eludes me. Self-centeredness is a poison in my emotional system. It creates havoc in my daily life. Fear sets in. Anger, resentment and self-pity become my guiding force. All this in the pursuit of happiness.

 

I have learned that happiness is an inside job. Life and circumstances outside of me having nothing, absolutely nothing to do with my happiness.

 

I no longer have to do the best Waltz on the dance floor, but only gaze into the eyes of my beloved as we dance. It’s not about people pleasing but enjoying life and the gifts God has given me.

 

Oh, I still catch myself seeking the attention of the world, atta-boys, but I don’t have to for my happiness. I am much happier when I don’t seek the awareness of other people. I have a choice.

 

I can finally sit and really listen to people talk to me without my mind racing around trying to think of the next story that will top theirs. A story that would surely glorify me.

 

Yes, my heart has been replaced with the Father’s heart….My quiet place…

Beautifully Awkward

Memorial Day–The Fight Is On

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on May 30, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

Today we remember those who fought… or served  our country. And I am forever grateful.

There is, however, some of us that are fighting a war daily–the war of addiction. I myself wake up each morning filled with gratitude that today I am living on the side of surrendered. Surrendered to my Heavenly Father.

This war is real. It rages on whether I am in active duty or not. The mind is always on guard to captivity stance. So it is important that I surround myself with those things that will protect me from a great fall.

Things such as God’s Word.

Friends that have walked this walk.

Professionals that truly understand the world of addiction without condemnation.

And a family that supports me.

Today, I give honor to those that have fought…and in memory of those that have lost that battle.

Beautifully Awkward

Happy Birthday

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on February 1, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

 Today I have been sober for one year. I cried all the way to work this morning. This is no less than a miracle for me.

Somewhere down the road this past year, I had began to let go of the tight control I had on my life (which  ironically I had no control of) and handed it over to God. Subtly, I realized I was giving God all areas of my life– even the small things.

I have come to believe in a power greater than I.

My Jesus

Beautifully Awkward

A Touch Of Sadness- Conclusion

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on December 4, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

She could hear a scream. It would take some time before she realized it was her own shriek coming from the deep throes of her soul. Even now, she can still hear the sound in her sleep, in her dreams and in her waking hours.She hoped that she would soon wake up from this dreadful nightmare.

 She was not aware of how much time had passed before she felt a sudden thrust backwards. Life had grabbed her with such force it knocked her off her feet. She fell as she watched her life unveil itself. Soon, the streets were a haziness of red and blue lights. Voices were nothing more than echo’s in her head. She was paralyzed.

I sit back and wonder “How could she?” or anyone for that matter do something so horrible. But slowly, I think back to the time when I…

Was…

… am no different.

I have my moments of sheer terror and times in my life where time literally stopped. The world became surreal as I wondered how others could continue to go on about life in the midst of my pain.

It does not matter whether I caused it or “it” was a happen-chance, the result was always the same.

I look into the stories of your life and literally thrive off your pain– Yet, disconnect in my anguish. I was too afraid to veer into my life . To view your life, kept me at a safe distance from any pain.

Why don’t people stop and help others? Plenty cease what they are doing to stare and gawk. This only drives the sorrow of where I was— “Alone” to a greater depth.

There is a dark side to all of us. The touch of sadness is like touching my toes into the arctic water, it only gives me taste of that which is beyond my comprehension, pain and fear.

In this story, whether the boy lives or dies is irrelevant because we all have stories where he lives and dies. There will be some of us that will be disappointed and let down if he does not die and make this story even greater than it is. Yes, but most will not admit it. The dark side of our soul that wants to know we will survive the worst in life. So seeing it through the eyes of another, we can grasp something tangible.

I know that God says I will not have all the answers on this side of Heaven. Why does the addict live and the innocent die?

Maybe I am the innocent child, brushed by addiction, called to a higher plan.

Christ–He is my Light in the darkest places and shadows of my past.

Beautifully Awkward