Archive for Psalm

Be Still

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on April 29, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

Sometimes… it’s about being still in the midst of Choas… (Psalm 46:10)

 

Love,

Connie

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A Better Version Of Me

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 26, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

I believe in the small talk, in 2nd, 3rd and 4th chances, forgiving those in my past and missing the cracks in the pavement (or “you break your mother’s back,” I sang as a kid). I strive for obedience when it does not make sense — denoting a sense of submission.

And when the world of good and evil collide, I might smile that crooked smile revealing my fragile life. I realize how easily my broken and shattered place of being has come to. I sense the vulnerably delicate existence of my heart.

I daydream of a better time, where my soul whispers truth and dedication of Someone’s love. Be still my beating heart and listen. (Psalm 46:10) Once again, conformity and submission take their place in my life calling out my name. I hear her. But I don’t always answer. Shame. Guilt. Even so, my mind takes a stand. But God…you gave me this desire, did you not? And the raging internal war goes on. Why can’t I be more like Jesus? Why can’t I overcome each time? Satan makes out a new buffet of sin every day.

I can choose to order off the menu or the buffet. Some days the buffet looks inviting. Satan is smart and cunning. He is powerful. (Sounds like the disease of addiction)

I bite.

Then there is the long conviction of worthlessness that builds her walls around my heart.  The very thing I desire, I fight back against. Does my world of panic-stricken emotions and uncertainty mask this lonely spirit? Or tear down the very walls built to coddle my wounds.

Easy to forgive others. Not so easy to forgive myself.

But…

For God went right for the jugular when He sent His own Son.” (Romans 8:3, the message) so the least I can do is work on the whole forgiveness thing…

And I pray for a better version of me.

Love,

Connie

Safe Haven

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on February 18, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

I would like for this to be a safe place for you to come and read—what you already know! We all need a place where we can remove our armor with the prayer that no one will shoot us down. We need a sanctuary to hide out and be ourselves.

Many of us are hurting. A lot. So we come here to cry. A lot. I have not cried much if at all in the past several months. Today I cried. A lot. Brokenhearted over my own inadequacies, I cried. I cried over the roads I have traveled and the roads I have yet to travel.

The Bible says, God “binds up the brokenhearted…” (Psalm 147:3) I often wondered what that meant, maybe because I never allowed myself to feel anything enough to be broken in spirit. But I know what it feels like to hurt now. I also know what it feels like to sense total peace in the midst of emotions run riot. I can inhale and exhale the presence of my Lord. I can smell the aroma of sweet rain and know it is Him. I can hear a song and know the words are God speaking to me. I can look at my kids and know God loves me more than I love my children.

Still sometimes I need to escape the chaos and be still in His presence. Whether I find a quiet lake to sit by or go for a brisk walk with my music, I find God there. He is always there. “Do you feel My presence my child?”

I am overwhelmed by His love at times. And His sweet aroma brings me to tears…

May we sing out of tune, paint outside the lines and dance the Waltz…

Love you,

Connie

Desperately Seeking Serotonin

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on June 1, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

 

My physician knows my name (or I think he does–such is my self thinking). I sometimes wonder if he rolls his eyes when he hears my name. “She has called again?”–that Serotonin Junkie….

I desperately want to “be normal” not that I really know what that is. I have been medicated on some type of mood altering drug for a long time… Whether it is antidepressants, prescription pain medication or alcohol–I’ve been on them all.

Of course, there is the other–Life! Thrill seeking… Putting myself in dangerous situations. I have done that too– all for the rush.

 But I guess we all do that at some point in our life, right?

This is where you say, “sure“!

And the other things I do?

Whatever “it” is, it won’t be in moderation. I think I have to make up for the lack of serotonin by filling the void with my exaggerated life. Take for example my experience with eBay–I finally had to just quit. It was like the hunt for survival. I would stalk the prey through until the last remaining second and go in for the kill. You have to have been on eBay to understand this. It’s crazy. I rarely go on there anymore. But don’t be too proud of me, I have replaced it with something else I feel sure. I always do.

*Sigh*

Today I am seeking something… I long for something to get me out of this funk I am basking in…I just want it to go away. It’s like waking up early–too early in the morning as the Sun comes up before her time— then pulling the covers up over my head begging her to go away. I hit the snooze button, kick the cat off the bed and sneak a few more hours of sleep.

What is Serotonin anyway? Ah, another chemical ….in the brain…

Great…

The Motherboard …

The most common sign of a serotonin deficiency is depression; this can range anywhere from just feeling melancholy to extended periods of deep depression.

Feeling anxious? well that is common too.

So where are the Serotonin Milkshakes? Serotonin moon pies! Serotonin shots!!!

I have heard of the runner’s high…. Oh yea, I used to do that too….Of course, I’m waiting for my exercise addiction that has yet to kick in (again)…no, I have to eat a friggin donut instead…

Huge sigh…

I don’t think God meant the abundant life to be in excess…. (John 10:10)…

Come to think of it, we are all seeking the same thing, aren’t we?

Maybe it’s not a Serotonin void but a God void in my life….I am trying to fill.

So today Father, I seek You. (Psalms 105:4)

Desperately seeking God

Beautifully Awkward

The Whisper of Stillness

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 26, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

I am discombobulated. But my world is just fine. I have no real reason for this feeling. My insides are in turmoil. I am trying to pray for peace but even that is hard to do now. So, I have to tell You God, “I’m not doing too well on this spiritual flight…”

Chaos–the life of an addict.

I guess I keep waiting for something supernatural or some terrific explosion to happen as I go frolicking through the meadows of continual bustle and everlasting hopelessness. Commotion and lots of it… that is what I am used to. It seems disarray is when and where God usually turns up in my life—or so it seems. His presence is always needed for me to finally settle and to feel an inner peace.

I am reminded of this scripture,” 11 The LORD said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by. “ Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.” (1 King 19:11-12)

God was in the gentle whisper…

I go back into another time in my life when my pitiful existence was crumbling like a stale cookie. I was walking through the exhibit at a meeting I was attending. A lady walked up to me and handed me a little statue of a child. On the bottom of the child was the scripture, “Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10) When I looked up to thank the lady, she was gone. How did she know?

Now, I try to remember that when life gets crazy and when I am discombobulated to “Be still…” and listen for “….the gentle whisper…” of God’s sweet voice.

For that is when I will find my Heavenly Father ready to untangle the mess I have created.

Beautifully Awkward

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on March 20, 2011 by Her Broken Wing
 
 
Be Still and Know (Psalm 46:10)
I heard a song the other day… “Slow dancing in a burning room” It really spoke to my senses… Like peace and surrender…
 
 It is also like the days I have spent swaying to the sound of the world as she went about her business– Chaos just happens as I scurry around trying to make it one more day. Maybe humankind finds one morsel of Hope to hold, enough to come back tomorrow.
 
I fight to stand for something– for nothingness is worse than doing something wrong. I see the ribbons on the door of my neighbors, my family yet I pass them by each day. I complain but I do nothing about it.

My addiction…stands for the years of hiding and blaming others– yet it is my problem. And if I am the problem, I must be the solution.

In my weakness I find…I have amazing strength.

God says…. “For it is in my weakness, He is strong…” (2 Corinthians 12:10)

So today, I surrender…

Today, I slow dance in a burning room…

Beautifully Awkward

The Novocaine Has Worn Off

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on July 31, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

I woke up the other night and my left arm was asleep…so much that when I tried to move it, it flopped and hit me right in the face… I hate that because I know what is to come. When the feeling began to return, it was excruciatingly uncomfortable for a short time before the feeling did return. Within a few minutes, the hypersensitivity began. The pins and needles sticking into my tender flesh was only the beginning, then the feelings of a ticklish type annoyance where I couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry overcame my mind for a time. My focus at that point was on nothing but the pain I was currently enduring.

When it was over, peace. It’s crazy. All that –and all I did was compress a body part!

So, what about the years I suppressed (compressed) my mind with the drugs and alcohol ( plug in whatever you want or struggle with)?  Truly there is no difference! I numbed my mind completely. Dead asleep. The longer my mind was asleep–the worse my recovery became.

In medicine, we give Novocaine to numb and prevent pain. For me, subconsciously I presume, I self-medicated with prescription drugs (as if this makes it more acceptable) to dull the pain of my insecurities and imperfections. Keeping my loved one at arm’s length as to keep them from knowing my secret–I am not perfect! Never did it occur to me that no one is perfect except Christ. And that God prefers us that way to minister to others. (2 corinthians 1:3-5)

And so the day came–My mind was clearing and the feelings returning…. Let me say–I’d rather go through a million arms and legs returning from its slumber than the mind. The pain can be unbearable at times. My mind  played mean tricks on me. In the beginning I was in a gray fog… Which I believe was God’s gift–protecting me from the physical effects of the poisons leaving my body. But then–the hypersensitivity–the roller coaster of emotions began where I did not know whether to laugh or cry! Some days, comprehending life was like trying to drink water out of a fire hydrant. It was just too much for me.

One day, I am elated the next day I wonder if I can get out of bed. Too often we “addicts” are diagnosed with emotional disorders when really our emotions have not leveled out. I am full of junk that drove me to disparity. I am trying to  slap my arm around as if this will speed up the process of trying to get the feelings to come back. Same thing– I try to rush my healing, I want it more than anything… but it’s not mine to fix.. It’s my Abba Fathers.  For I have been unable to focus–before today– so why should I think I can steer this ship? 

But soon, very soon, the feelings are returning–good, bad and indifferent and this is where I can begin my journey of having God remove my shortcomings as they surface.

The feelings of happy, sad, anger, regret, sorrow and joy return… the very emotions I tried to hide, suppress and remove…but now I will know them with a new meaning.

Awake my soul… Psalm 57:8

The Novocaine has worn off.

Beautifully Awkward