Archive for journey

Oops, There Goes A Chicken

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on April 1, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

Things I have figured out along the way…

  1. I believe God dances, I’m living proof…
  2. I’m a recovering addict…2 years clean….And some days I miss it.. the high…. Kind of like I’d miss being run over by a truck. Sick thoughts fill my mind.
  3. I believe in simplicity in life…. At the same time, I continue to buy more junk. Maybe one day my beliefs will align with my actions.
  1. I am now a caffeine addict and wonder why I walk around jacked up half the time or toss and turn at night. What –I give up one addiction for another??
  2. I’m a crappy Christian but love Jesus to pieces.
  3. I do nothing in moderation—it’s all or nothing!
  4. I don’t like being interrupted during a conversation … or ignored.
  5. I still hate lima beans. I’ve quit trying to like them. It just isn’t going to happen.
  6. I get totally enraged by rude people.
  7. I tend to occasionally get a case of road rage.
  8. I live with fluctuating moderate to severe case of ADD. Meaning you might be talking to me and I will glaze over—oops there goes a chicken!
  9. I always have and always will have to watch what I eat if I want to be thin. Just sort of sucks.
  10. I exercise faithfully but I can’t say I like it.
  11. I have learned to let go of the insignificant things in life, like not sweat the small stuff. Heck, who cares anyway? …That is when my emotions aren’t running riot!
  12. I don’t act my age. Maybe it’s a midlife crisis thing. But my brain hasn’t caught up with my age yet.
  13. I love organization…. I just don’t like to be the one doing the organizing.
  14. I still read signs and symptoms of an addict to see if I fit the diagnosis. I do.
  15. Sometimes I just like to say a bad word.
  16. I’m a little bit Gospel… I’m a little bit rock n roll….
  17. I’m a Divine intervention.
  18. Ditto
  19. I got rid of one horrible thorn in the flesh, addiction, only to find I have many more. I’m a sinner…
  20. Saved by Grace.

Love

Connie

The Tainted Flower

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on March 12, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

This past weekend I went to visit my best friend. We go a long ways back, back to the days of nursing school. We were more acquaintances at that time but I knew who she was. I’m sure I hung out in the cool crowd and I probably talked to her on occasions. 🙂 After nursing school though, we worked close in proximity and became best of friends.

Over thirty years have passed with a lot of tears and laughter along the way. We have been there for each other through the good and the bad. She knows everything about me.

This past weekend was no different from any other. It was filled with surprises, reminiscing and laughter. We were sharing how she almost left me at a convenient store because she thought it was being robbed. She was literally pulling out of the store when I came out. I had to run and jump in her convertible as she was leaving the store. I have not let her live that one down.

Or the millions of times we have sung Stayin Alive by the Bee Gee’s totally out of tune. There was also the time we had people following us in the store saying, “This is the best day of my life” as they heard us saying it and because we were laughing so hard over our pig findings (she collects the little curly tail things—for whatever reason).

We are forever making memories and this weekend was no different. She had fixed dinner and fixed a great salad. I did all but lick the bowl. Now that I think of it, I might have. I asked her about the dressing and she said raspberry something…. I said, “No way, I hate raspberries.” So she went and got the bottle out of the refrigerator. She brought it out to where we were sitting in the living room floor. We were having a picnic. And there it was, “Raspberry Vinaigrette with …” “GOOD GOD.” I YELLED. It has poppy seeds in it. She sort of gave me this blank what-I’d-do-look and shrugged her shoulders. I was still yelling. “I’m going down. I’m going straight to poppy-seed hell. I’m busted. I’m… “I don’t know what all I said but I think I began talking in tongue. Her face was blank.

Finally, I said, “poppy seeds will give me a positive drug screen if I’m tested.” Then she started screaming. So we were both screaming. I grabbed my phone and started an engine search on my smart phone Google that was apparently smarter than me at the moment. But eventually I could say, thank goodness for Google. Yep, one bagel can give you a positive drug screen. I’m sure I ingested a bagel’s worth; after all, I licked the bowl.

So Iwas frantically calling every possible person I knew in the program. One said, don’t eat the poppy seeds. Well duh. By then, everyone was friggin freaking out. Yes, you’ll test positive.

The next 48 hours were hell. I waited for a phone call to go test, which never came. I don’t know how I was going to explain this.

So now my friend and I can remember the time she fed me an opium plant.

Love, Connie

Safe Haven

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on February 18, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

I would like for this to be a safe place for you to come and read—what you already know! We all need a place where we can remove our armor with the prayer that no one will shoot us down. We need a sanctuary to hide out and be ourselves.

Many of us are hurting. A lot. So we come here to cry. A lot. I have not cried much if at all in the past several months. Today I cried. A lot. Brokenhearted over my own inadequacies, I cried. I cried over the roads I have traveled and the roads I have yet to travel.

The Bible says, God “binds up the brokenhearted…” (Psalm 147:3) I often wondered what that meant, maybe because I never allowed myself to feel anything enough to be broken in spirit. But I know what it feels like to hurt now. I also know what it feels like to sense total peace in the midst of emotions run riot. I can inhale and exhale the presence of my Lord. I can smell the aroma of sweet rain and know it is Him. I can hear a song and know the words are God speaking to me. I can look at my kids and know God loves me more than I love my children.

Still sometimes I need to escape the chaos and be still in His presence. Whether I find a quiet lake to sit by or go for a brisk walk with my music, I find God there. He is always there. “Do you feel My presence my child?”

I am overwhelmed by His love at times. And His sweet aroma brings me to tears…

May we sing out of tune, paint outside the lines and dance the Waltz…

Love you,

Connie

The Angel Tears

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 14, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

We are all recovering from something whether it is abuse of food, booze or just being a jerk. The difference in all of us is we are either “recovering” or active in our addiction? One thing for sure, we are all the same and all in this together.

So Dear Hope,

I have been in your shoes not too long ago. I woke up swearing I would never do this again and meant it. I have cried, screamed and begged to die with the realization that my life as I once knew it, was over. I have slid out of bed and ran to the bathroom to throw up one more time, crawled into the shower and hung my head low as shame wreaked through my mind, body and soul.

Sick from withdrawing, panicked from wondering where my next fix would come and confused about how I came to this place, I knew I was at my rock bottom. Praise God, there was nowhere to go but up. The Angel tears were dipped in happiness as they danced and as I was offered the gift of my addiction. Yes, as sick as it sounded, my addiction was a gift. And I have found myself dissecting my soul trying to figure this one out. What the heck?

 

When I first got sober, it was like my arm waking up from being asleep. It was painful and strange. The pins and needles are like sadness over things lost, fear of the unknown and anger over the disease. After being numb for so long, I started to feel all my emotions at one time and it exploded like a nuclear plant. There is really nothing I could do but go through the pain until the feeling came back.

 

What matters most of all though… is that I got sober. I owe no explanation to the world. For being sober is enough, I am enough. God says so.

So today, I get up, put on make up, go to work, go to a meeting with other addicts and share our experience, strength and hope and I pray. I pray. I pray.

I am a recovering addict and I am proud of this badge I wear.

Beautifully Awkward

Sober Nuggets

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on February 11, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

It is colder than a witches hinny outside today so I have stayed indoors. I have a roaring fire and soup on the stove. My family is watching sports, oh joy! And I am sitting here on the computer talking to you.

Without thinking, I thought wouldn’t it be nice to fix a martini to warm my body? (Did I mention–I don’t even like martini’s) but I romanced the thought…briefly. Then it hit me, I can’t do that. “You are an ALCOHOLIC!” my inner voice shouted…… Well ain’t that just great.

I still have trouble believing that… I’m an addict…or an alcoholic…. It is like I will wake up any time from a bad dream. I pinch myself. Nope, I’m awake.

*Sigh*

God, why did this happen to me?

Silence…

Hello there? I know You hear me!

Well just fine then, ignore me…I’m not trying to be a jerk here but really why me? why this? So what if I drink. You don’t seem to care.

Are you listening to me?

If you don’t’ answer me, I’ll sing the song you hate,,, the one where my voice is in high pitch. I’ll quit the choir. Oh I already did. Well I will not teach Sunday School tomorrow…I’m just trying to get your attention.

And then I hear God say (not like audibly or anything) “I hear every word you say. Why are you so upset?”

Because today I want a drink, it’s cold and I want to drink.

“Do you really? Or is it because you can’t have one that you want to drink?”

I don’t know. I don’t really want one but if I did…

“That is what I thought…” God, “So what do you want?”

I want You to…

“Child, you want to be understood…to be loved and that you are.”

“My beloved…”

Beautifully Awkward

My Grace

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 8, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

Somewhere in the middle of whom I was and who I am, the play ground of my mind resonates with reckless abandon. Leaving me between my common sense and intellect.  Like the teetering of a child’s seesaw, I waiver on my position in God’s world.

Who am I? Who does God want me to be? More so, what have I become? And I ponder the thought. Is my faith in the shallow end or have I been immersed into the deep? Do I listen to the roar of His call or to His still small voice? (1 Kings 19:11-13)

Some days I am content and some days I want more. And in those days, I reach up and grab a hold.

Truth is… I don’t regret where I’ve been for it has led me to the road I’m on today. A road less traveled—some would say. For sure, some would not have. But it is the thorn to bear and it is mine. And I will know that no matter how tough things get, I will hear the Father‘s voice…..

 So for who I may become, I give praise…and if I forget to say thank you…Your grace astounds me.

That you may find me in my chosen place; and I may hear the Father say, “My Grace.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Beautifully Awkward

Outside Looking In

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on January 21, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

I had a friend ask me last night, “How have you done it?”

“Huh?” bewildered.

“You have your act together and have done so well.” It was all I could do to not laugh out loud. If she or anyone else knew the truth. The days I have spent in my counselors office crying, I just don’t think I can do this another day.

I heard someone say the other day how our outsides rarely match our insides. How true. We paint ourselves up in pretty packages most days or I do. I actually do remember a time in my addiction when it was all I could do to get ready each day. But now..I have become an artist of hiding flaws.

I could tell something was bothering my friend so I told her how most days were for me.That I struggled with depression. Some days I had to  make myself go to meetings even when I didn’t feel like it. That I still struggle with daily routines and some days it is all I can do to get dressed.  She looked relieved.  I think she was glad to know she was not alone. I did laugh and say “no one has it together as they appear to.” I have this found to be so true. We all have “issues”.

We talked awhile longer and I could see a light come on. I smiled to myself. Maybe I am not officially counseling now which I do miss but God still puts people on my path to speak to and touch through my story. Maybe that was God’s plan along. Not quite what I had planned but “Your ways are not My ways” (Isaiah 55:8)….

I don’t run from my experience now but have learned to embrace it and share it. I give it away freely now. And I will be telling my story for the first time in a few weeks and I must say, I am excited. Who knows what God has planned.

For Life just Simply is….

Beautifully Awkward