Archive for John

Serendipity

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on February 4, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

Serendipity….A fortunate accident.

You might say that is what happened to me: My addiction a fortunate accident? Well, yes in a sense.  Today I feel that way. Two years ago, not so much. But today, sobriety is a gift.

Long ago, I longed to feel “normal” like my friends. Their lives were so together. My life was in such turmoil that I felt sure everyone knew what a screw up I was. So as a child, I tried to fit in.

Fast forward some years and the pattern continued. Early on, I would descend into a world of addiction and lose my identity even further. Fragile from the barrage of abuse, I felt I had come home to the numb feelings I now experienced.

Life had her way with me. Consequences from my choices.

Despair.

*Sigh*

But for the grace of God…

I was called into place of something they described as “Rehabilitation.” Oh, in the beginning I was very angry and didn’t want to be in this place. It wasn’t my choice, but then really it was. I was just so tired.

“Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly…,” I started to let go of the anger and resentment and open up to those around me. The people in my groups were happy. I often thought to myself, “What could they be happy about?”  They aren’t normal. They can never drink again. They can’t take a pill without going off the deep end. My life was over as I knew it.

Well thank God. Because my life just sucked.

I hadn’t had a clean and sober day in years. And now I was living a normal (used loosely) life.  Today, I am learning to walk a path I never discovered before.

Life is good. I am living in freedom. (John 10:10)

A fortunate accident indeed.

Beautifully Awkward

I Am Enough

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on September 19, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

When I am not enough, the Sun rises again.

When I am not enough, the seas bellow up and cry “Holy.”

When I am not enough, the wind kisses my face tenderly.

and when I am not enough, Your Son sends me a hug through a friend.

 

I am reminded daily that yes, I am enough. I am abundantly and richly filled with Grace, love and life. (Jn 10:10)

Reminding me~~

That I am enough…

 

Beautifully Awkward

Desperately Seeking Serotonin

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on June 1, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

 

My physician knows my name (or I think he does–such is my self thinking). I sometimes wonder if he rolls his eyes when he hears my name. “She has called again?”–that Serotonin Junkie….

I desperately want to “be normal” not that I really know what that is. I have been medicated on some type of mood altering drug for a long time… Whether it is antidepressants, prescription pain medication or alcohol–I’ve been on them all.

Of course, there is the other–Life! Thrill seeking… Putting myself in dangerous situations. I have done that too– all for the rush.

 But I guess we all do that at some point in our life, right?

This is where you say, “sure“!

And the other things I do?

Whatever “it” is, it won’t be in moderation. I think I have to make up for the lack of serotonin by filling the void with my exaggerated life. Take for example my experience with eBay–I finally had to just quit. It was like the hunt for survival. I would stalk the prey through until the last remaining second and go in for the kill. You have to have been on eBay to understand this. It’s crazy. I rarely go on there anymore. But don’t be too proud of me, I have replaced it with something else I feel sure. I always do.

*Sigh*

Today I am seeking something… I long for something to get me out of this funk I am basking in…I just want it to go away. It’s like waking up early–too early in the morning as the Sun comes up before her time— then pulling the covers up over my head begging her to go away. I hit the snooze button, kick the cat off the bed and sneak a few more hours of sleep.

What is Serotonin anyway? Ah, another chemical ….in the brain…

Great…

The Motherboard …

The most common sign of a serotonin deficiency is depression; this can range anywhere from just feeling melancholy to extended periods of deep depression.

Feeling anxious? well that is common too.

So where are the Serotonin Milkshakes? Serotonin moon pies! Serotonin shots!!!

I have heard of the runner’s high…. Oh yea, I used to do that too….Of course, I’m waiting for my exercise addiction that has yet to kick in (again)…no, I have to eat a friggin donut instead…

Huge sigh…

I don’t think God meant the abundant life to be in excess…. (John 10:10)…

Come to think of it, we are all seeking the same thing, aren’t we?

Maybe it’s not a Serotonin void but a God void in my life….I am trying to fill.

So today Father, I seek You. (Psalms 105:4)

Desperately seeking God

Beautifully Awkward

The Cinderella Life

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on May 23, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

I happen to be scanning through some words written on a post today when I suddenly stopped. Something set wrong with me, very wrong. I could hear in the echo’s the utterance this person said to me months earlier; “The world is going to judge you and treat you harsh.” And now the “harsh” was staring me in the face. I guess I chose to believe in the Cinderella Story where the poor girl marries the Prince and lives happily ever after. I believed the world would not judge a recovering drug addict (recovering be the key word, right?) a less than worthy person as unacceptable to be associated with. But today, my eyes see the world as it is and not through rose-stained glasses. For the very person that said the world would judge me, is the very one that indeed was judging me from society’s point of view.

My heart is broken once again. But like he said, “The world is harsh.”

Initially, my emotions rolled between anger and hurt– The kind of hurt where tears welled up in the back of my throat. The pain was so intense my heart literally ached.  I wanted to cry out hurtful words.

But I prayed, instead.

“I prayed for God to touch me and to touch you. God showed me that you probably didn’t realize the sorrow you caused.”

How many times had I caused someone pain and not realized it. (Matthew 7:3-5)

I am reminded of who I am… who you are… and who He is…

I am thankful… (1 Thessalonians 5:18)

Maybe I do have a Cinderella Life after all… (John 10:10)

Beautifully Awkward

Living In An Extraordinary World

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on May 21, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

Some days I was living an extraordinary life in an ordinary world… other days, I was trying to survive an ordinary life in an extraordinary world.

Mostly, I would vacillate between the two.

Not sure which I preferred, I found out it really didn’t matter. I was unseen and forgotten a majority of days. Maybe I was too ordinary…. Or contrarily— in a sad sense.

It was a funny thing—my disease. I discovered one day quite by accident I could take “the pills and the booze” and they would make me come alive in my own little world (or so I thought). I was flying over mountain tops. I was finally somebody. Now all my days were extraordinary. “Beautiful”, I thought.

This time of ecstasy was short-lived, however.

The subsequent highs were never as good as the first. And it was not long before my body begged for more. It took more and more to get me to a place where I could just function as an ordinary person.

The disease is all cunning, baffling and powerful—it sneaks up on you. It bites you before you realize you are bitten. (John 8:44)…

This disease spoke to me… whispers in the night… lured me like a lover and then left me cold and alone.

Despair is a powerful motivator.

Standing at the River of Sorrow—the tears came and I finally surrendered.

“Good”, I say.

Today, I am an extraordinary person in an extraordinary world….

Beautifully Awkward

The Broken Spirit

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 3, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

But it has been a year …or so… I should be… I should be what? Over it? Better?

How did it happen that my physical body heals and the emotional body was left unnoticed –for a time? I was doing so well and then I hit “The Wall.” My emotional breaking point.

No reason, really. Maybe you said something to me, looked at me a certain way, it really doesn’t matter because the break was bound to happen with you or without you. See it had nothing to do with you. I needed this final fracture of my spirit.

Now, I have nothing left.

“It is finished.” John 19:30

My spirit I give to the Father.

Beautifully Awkward

Daydream Believer

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on January 29, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

Shaped my world were games of Eeny meeny miny moe, he loves me he loves me not and dreams of sailing away from my world with my make-believe lover.

Daydreaming, I believed I would be rescued from the Demons that danced and twirled in my pain-ridden world. I waited endless nights for my Prince Charming.

Restless inside, I drank the deep. I dreamt of another world of peace and happiness.

My secrets, however, would soon be found and the world had its way with me.

Daydreaming, I believe I would be rescued from the Demons that danced and twirled in my head.

Buried by my many walls, I walked on this side of the world.Thinking I was protected. Praying I was. Finding I only excluded my Prince Charming from ever finding me.

And then, my once sacred pearls scattered abroad. I had held on too tight. Now,they knew. I was exposed.

My dream world was shattered.

I never saw it coming. I never saw Him coming. The change was subtle.  My soft foundation shifted and I fell.

Only then did the Prince Charming greater than my wildest dreams reach down and pick me up. (Isaiah 9:5)

All through a Daydream Believer.

(John 3:16)

Beautifully Awkward