Archive for Humility

And I Dream of Who I could Have Been….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on August 14, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

 

I don’t make a move unless my friends approve. I have developed a sense of codepency leaving me battling my sense of meaning to my place in the universe. Time taps her hands on my shoulder letting me know she is moving on with or without me. And I start to dream of who I could have been.

In a sense—I am a people pleasing addict too. I want you to like me. Sure– everyone does to some degree but what extent will I go to for you to like me MORE. I have perfectionist genes that rear their ugly little heads making me want to be the best! Better than you.

Where is the humble in that?

Truth is I am trying to please someone who is just as insecure as I am. I manipulate, fold and told the other person until they too meet my needs. I only assume the person feels a certain way about me when it is only my perception anyway. Actuality is I don’t know how they feel. And so The Dance Waltz’s into the night.

Big men and little God–that has become my mentality. I have let the world mold me into a façade of impressions based on what you wanted me to be. Now, I don’t know who I am.

Oh it isn’t your fault. It is mine.

In our AA meetings, life is real. No one tries to impress the other. I realize that we lost just about everything… we have nothing left but the real. We were stripped of the walls that were built to impress you long ago. Now, I don’t have to impress anyone, the group wouldn’t care anyway. They would just call my bluff. It is little men and big God.

Slowly this mentality is trickling over into my life.

I was not given life to become something of the world, but to find out who I am and become that person.

Beautifully Awkward

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The World’s A Stage

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on September 26, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

“All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,…”

William Shakespeare…

My world is a stage…you…you are but a player on my earth.

I was quick to judge you as you were quick to judge me.

I looked at my own flaws through your eyes. I sought perfection in myself as I did you. But often, you failed me. Repeatedly, I failed you.

Recently, I heard someone say, “I found that if I was not the problem, there was no solution.” I had to drink these words, allowing them to flow lightly over my tongue as I swished them around in my mouth so I could savor the statements reality.

It was up to me (through God) to find serenity–not you.

 

There is a “bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us ” (from the Big Book of AA) reminding me that we are all flawed and just trying to endure the performance of our life— each day we try-out for a new scenario.

But we are good too.

Survival–life. Maybe more. Abundance? (John 10:10)

But I have come to believe that my addiction is the best thing that could have happened to me. Proving to me that I know very little about what I need and what is in my best interest. So, maybe you judge me by my failures–my addiction. But God judges me by failures and how I rise from the ashes of destruction –”for My ways are not your ways.” (Isaiah 55:8)

Thus, I have learned that all the times I thought I had the world figured out, you figured out and gave you long endearing advice, I really didn’t know what was good for you for I did not even know what was good for me.

So, today I resign from having all the answers.

And whatever is in front of me at the moment, whatever I find peace in at that instant…IS God’s will for my life.

Humbled? Maybe but I am content in living in the background of my stage of existence.

Beautifully Awkward

The Back Door Friend

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 10, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

There are not too many of us– students of life–that would willingly sign up for Humility 101. As with any degree, we might take biology to become a teacher or numerous anatomy and chemistry classes to become a nurse, and so on. My life as a nurse, counselor, mother, and wife worked for me for a long time.

So signing up for any additional classes was not anything I was looking to do. But somewhere down the road, I must have inadvertently signed up for Humility 101. It took my addiction– thus me graduating with a degree in humility. Oh, I didn’t willingly sign up for these classes –Humble Pie. My addiction came decorated in a pretty package where I only later found the profound ugliness of my arrogance.

So back to the original question, would I have ever signed up for Humility 101?

No, my attendance to Humility 101 was through the back door only by  submission of my unwilling soul as I became truly humble.  As a result, I suffered severe pain from humility through my actions and their consequences. The beginnings of my classes were a smooth, sly, and painstaking process of the disease called — addiction. My dependence came in quietly through the back door. At first, my pill was occasional taken outside of what it was intended for. My drugs became inviting as my neighbor, friendly in a sort. Soon, her visits became more regular. Without realizing what was happening, my friend became a daily visitor. I soon anticipated this visit with great shame. I would justify my use of mommy’s little helpers till the rain had turned to snow and the nights were long and cold. There was no turning back.

One day, I looked out the back door as if waiting for a visit. I had not had a visit from “her” in a day or two so I begin to pace the floor. My family asked if I was OK.  “What are you looking for?” they asked.  I would tell them I was just fine.  But inside my soul, I was screaming. I was frantic. Where are my drugs? No, I was not waiting on an illegal delivery. Usually I was waiting on a call from my dear doctor– who always came through.

Had I come to this?

Yes.

I had now completed Humility 101. I was so humiliated by my actions. There I stood at the back door crying at the lowness of my so-called life. Only there would be no degree here.  No graduation ceremony to stand up for. I will not be sending out invitations. I might as well have been lost on some deserted island. I was so alone. But that was my choice. I did not want to tell anyone. I let no one into my world.

Eventually, I had no choice. I stood up and said, “I have a problem. I am sick.” I hear that is the first step– that we are powerless over our disease. And hand it over to God.

(Psalm 34:18)

Today, when I stand at the back door, I see the beautiful flowers I have planted. I breathe the fresh air God has gifted me with. I turn around and see my family that I am entrusted to.

Humility 101 is not so bad.