Archive for Hope

Tentacles of Hope

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on January 20, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

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The image was engraved forever into my mind when I woke up in ICU from a suicide failure, something that would forever haunt me.

I’m so sorry to those I hurt. but at the time I meant to die. I’m glad God spared my life, as I was already unconscious when they (my husband and police)  got to me. I had really believed, and thought I would die. I could only imagine the horror of my husbands face when he found me.

I had been so sick for so long. I was untreated for the following; anxiety, severe depression, mania, yep bipolar, I had drug and alcohol abuse for 10 years, later PTSD (I started having nightmares, screaming every night and my husband had to console me to a safe position) And rIght, of course, my eating disorder  (bulimia, anorexia) and dissociative (which started at age 5 after a severe trauma). Now it’s on rare occasions. Yikes, there is more but I’m sure I’ve outworn my welcome here.  For now…

In 2010, I went into drug rehab. I did not realize  what was ahead of me otherwise I would have hauled ass but I had a sick mind. And that I was being groomed by this creep man, this so-called Doctor. In 2012, I was sexually assaulted by this man who took an oath, “Do no harm.”

Over the next year I started losing weight like crazy. My eating disorder had exacerbated.

Looking at pictures, I looked horrible, I had people ask me if I was sick instead of  I was smokin hot! I asked to go into treatment but the doctor just said, “you are too old.” I was like 50!

Whatever age, whatever sex, I believed we all deserve treatment. My nursing board sure thought so as I had been approached by the nursing board. You don’t want that, trust me? Then I had no choice, no voice.  I wasn’t too old, there were women older than me in rehab which only as angered me. I wasted precious time damaging my body.

My mind was killing my body. I was a deserted shell.

The octopus has his arms. (There are 8, like duh). You get rid of one arm (well you can do the math), calling my name into their world.A black abyss, bottom feeders.  So bipolar is a disease, not much I can do about mental illness except do the work to stay as normal as possible. Whatever that is? Treatment for me includes medicine and it has taken years to find the right mix. A good counselor someone I could trust. psychiatrists to prescribe your meds. And a 12 step program.. prayer and meditation ( that isn’t crazier than me), a sponsor, someone in the program that I can talk to. And the most important thing is i need God. If you are atheist, you need God too.  This is my cocktail for surviving mental illness and addictions.

The shame and guilt which can be crippling at times, I  was able to share my experiences for the first time and because of my illnesses, after I sought treatment , treatment, treatment and drugs like antidepressants etc., I was able to get back on my feet.

For me, when I got sober, I was on the 12 step or AA pink cloud. I floated. All was well. And when the sexual assault happened. This is when I plummeted. I crashed

I went from one arm of the octopus to another  arm of the octopus. I was vulnerable (James 1:2-3), I had not put my faith in God’s way, my shield of armor. And my ED went nuts in 2013 where I spent a total of 3+ months in rehab.

What was the image I mentioned that had been engraved  into my mind forever when I woke up in ICU, I will never forget my children’s faces with tears streaming down their cheeks. That image still haunts me.

As does my own experience as a child, My parents attempts and my granddads successful suicide, It left me with  scars that were deep within my soul. I am still angry. I have had extensive counseling, therapy and many other things but mostly Prayer on my knees kind of praying.

The crash  was pivotal in my healing of a very traumatic life, childhood trauma, etc.  Oh, I do have to work at it. AA, sponsors (a 12- steps),engaging with others,the hardest for me was changing playmates and playgrounds. And most importantly a higher power which I call God!  I was blessed with the best of friends, all in the program so they get it! But My family rocks! They have stood with me in spite of me!

How good is that?

Blessings

 

disclaimer: This blog is my experience. Take what you can use, leave the rest. Respect me and others or I’ll send the monkeys. Connie Barris and may not be used, reprinted, or published without my written consent.

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Who Would Have Thought?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 16, 2014 by Her Broken Wing

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It’s been 4 1/2 years now… I have been through hell and back… the funny thing is, I remember saying, “if I just get clean…” I thought to myself, life would be easy peasy… boy was I wrong. that was the easy part… life has been hard … finding out why I did (do) what I do. Going back in time and undoing the hard stuff that has happened in my life. What is the saying, “Life isn’t for sissy’s?” yea I get that now.

So, through my constant battle of staying sober, clean, and battling an eating disorder … I am proud no grateful to say, I am clean, sober … and here and now working with those with the same afflictions. I am using my nursing degree to work in the mental health field.

I have spent the last 3 years working in an area I was pretty much miserable in. But saying that, grateful for that opportunity to learn something and meet new people. Yes, through all this, I am learning gratitude.

I had pretty much came to the point I needed to move on but didn’t know how. So… God did for me what I could not do for myself. Oh yes, I had moments of uncertainty, insecurity, worry and all that. But I surrendered it all and God just showed up… amazingly. As HE ALWAYS DOES…

I would like to say life is perfect now… It is not. I am going through a lot as we speak. But I trust God has my back. so I will not look back… Only forward to the goal ahead. (Phill 3:14)

So… who would have thought… today, I’d be here….and you’d be here..

Much love, Connie

Survival Of The Not-so Fittest

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on March 27, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

So… the Earth didn’t open up and swallow me during my 5th step, like I imagined it would for so long. I put this step off for two years. I procrastinated to the point it was beyond ridiculous. I mean who wants to air their dirty laundry to God (as if He didn’t already know) and another person –not me.

I kept thinking I was “terminally unique”. I thought that no one had experienced the life I had. I had to be the worst person in the world. How special of me. Really, how self-righteous I had become. Self-centered. Self.

Two years (really longer) clean and in my program and I was still two-steppin it.. Which means I was hanging out on the concept my life was unmanageable but didn’t want to move forward into the other 10 steps…I was in my comfort zone and no one expected anything of me here.  I think there was a reason they called it a 12 step program.

I even thought if I stay in the first few steps, no one would expect me to sponsor them. No expectations. When the program clearly states, to help me stay sober I must help another addict / alcoholic. Hmm!

But it was like a cocoon in her shell too long, she would wither and die or must break out and fly. And the time came, I had to do something. There was a tremendous unrest within my soul. Thus, my 4th step was born. After the 5th step of sharing, came her afterbirth.

It wasn’t bad. As a matter of fact, it was cathartic. I felt like I had been cleansed in the fountain of youth. Freed from bondage.

I had endured once again.

I am a survivor.

Love,

Connie

The Angel Tears

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 14, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

We are all recovering from something whether it is abuse of food, booze or just being a jerk. The difference in all of us is we are either “recovering” or active in our addiction? One thing for sure, we are all the same and all in this together.

So Dear Hope,

I have been in your shoes not too long ago. I woke up swearing I would never do this again and meant it. I have cried, screamed and begged to die with the realization that my life as I once knew it, was over. I have slid out of bed and ran to the bathroom to throw up one more time, crawled into the shower and hung my head low as shame wreaked through my mind, body and soul.

Sick from withdrawing, panicked from wondering where my next fix would come and confused about how I came to this place, I knew I was at my rock bottom. Praise God, there was nowhere to go but up. The Angel tears were dipped in happiness as they danced and as I was offered the gift of my addiction. Yes, as sick as it sounded, my addiction was a gift. And I have found myself dissecting my soul trying to figure this one out. What the heck?

 

When I first got sober, it was like my arm waking up from being asleep. It was painful and strange. The pins and needles are like sadness over things lost, fear of the unknown and anger over the disease. After being numb for so long, I started to feel all my emotions at one time and it exploded like a nuclear plant. There is really nothing I could do but go through the pain until the feeling came back.

 

What matters most of all though… is that I got sober. I owe no explanation to the world. For being sober is enough, I am enough. God says so.

So today, I get up, put on make up, go to work, go to a meeting with other addicts and share our experience, strength and hope and I pray. I pray. I pray.

I am a recovering addict and I am proud of this badge I wear.

Beautifully Awkward

Serendipity

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on February 4, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

Serendipity….A fortunate accident.

You might say that is what happened to me: My addiction a fortunate accident? Well, yes in a sense.  Today I feel that way. Two years ago, not so much. But today, sobriety is a gift.

Long ago, I longed to feel “normal” like my friends. Their lives were so together. My life was in such turmoil that I felt sure everyone knew what a screw up I was. So as a child, I tried to fit in.

Fast forward some years and the pattern continued. Early on, I would descend into a world of addiction and lose my identity even further. Fragile from the barrage of abuse, I felt I had come home to the numb feelings I now experienced.

Life had her way with me. Consequences from my choices.

Despair.

*Sigh*

But for the grace of God…

I was called into place of something they described as “Rehabilitation.” Oh, in the beginning I was very angry and didn’t want to be in this place. It wasn’t my choice, but then really it was. I was just so tired.

“Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly…,” I started to let go of the anger and resentment and open up to those around me. The people in my groups were happy. I often thought to myself, “What could they be happy about?”  They aren’t normal. They can never drink again. They can’t take a pill without going off the deep end. My life was over as I knew it.

Well thank God. Because my life just sucked.

I hadn’t had a clean and sober day in years. And now I was living a normal (used loosely) life.  Today, I am learning to walk a path I never discovered before.

Life is good. I am living in freedom. (John 10:10)

A fortunate accident indeed.

Beautifully Awkward

A Simple Prayer

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on January 28, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

What do I oppose?

Scoundrels? Thieves? Skid row bums?

not really….

Who do I defend?

God? Family? Friends?

I’d like to say yes…

Searching for things…in my own life to fill that insatiable hunger that goes on into the night calling me by name.  And I feed its’ hunger like a furious wild animal gone too long without food. I forget to see above my natural instinct of desires and fall into the pit of longing.

Great regret sets in for having tumbled over enticing moments in time.

But grace sets in and reminds me of the Voice of Hope.

Not joining in would be an act of betrayal.

Simple faith… one simple day.

From a simple prayer.

Beautifully Awkward

I Am Enough

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on September 19, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

When I am not enough, the Sun rises again.

When I am not enough, the seas bellow up and cry “Holy.”

When I am not enough, the wind kisses my face tenderly.

and when I am not enough, Your Son sends me a hug through a friend.

 

I am reminded daily that yes, I am enough. I am abundantly and richly filled with Grace, love and life. (Jn 10:10)

Reminding me~~

That I am enough…

 

Beautifully Awkward