Archive for Forgiveness

A Better Version Of Me

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 26, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

I believe in the small talk, in 2nd, 3rd and 4th chances, forgiving those in my past and missing the cracks in the pavement (or “you break your mother’s back,” I sang as a kid). I strive for obedience when it does not make sense — denoting a sense of submission.

And when the world of good and evil collide, I might smile that crooked smile revealing my fragile life. I realize how easily my broken and shattered place of being has come to. I sense the vulnerably delicate existence of my heart.

I daydream of a better time, where my soul whispers truth and dedication of Someone’s love. Be still my beating heart and listen. (Psalm 46:10) Once again, conformity and submission take their place in my life calling out my name. I hear her. But I don’t always answer. Shame. Guilt. Even so, my mind takes a stand. But God…you gave me this desire, did you not? And the raging internal war goes on. Why can’t I be more like Jesus? Why can’t I overcome each time? Satan makes out a new buffet of sin every day.

I can choose to order off the menu or the buffet. Some days the buffet looks inviting. Satan is smart and cunning. He is powerful. (Sounds like the disease of addiction)

I bite.

Then there is the long conviction of worthlessness that builds her walls around my heart.  The very thing I desire, I fight back against. Does my world of panic-stricken emotions and uncertainty mask this lonely spirit? Or tear down the very walls built to coddle my wounds.

Easy to forgive others. Not so easy to forgive myself.

But…

For God went right for the jugular when He sent His own Son.” (Romans 8:3, the message) so the least I can do is work on the whole forgiveness thing…

And I pray for a better version of me.

Love,

Connie

Like A Sailor

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on February 18, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

Who decided that four letter words were bad? Jesus or my mom? Is profanity an universal language of the people? Go figure, this is one of the hot topics at our monthly meetings at A.A. “The Dude cusses like a sailor,” someone will bring up. And the discussion goes on with no resolution.

Like the bumper sticks says—Conflict Happens! Conflict is good though. It helps us grow for without it, we would remain stagnant.

I have often wondered what God really thinks about profanity. Are these four letter words just another word? Does He count the number of times we use a bad word? Is there a scale of which some words are worse than others? Or what about gossip and sarcasm? What about—she deserved that; she was a drug addict, after all. (That makes me cringe every time I hear this phrase. Yes, I take it personal. I find myself more worthy than that statement. )

Or maybe God is more down on people who are super religious. The people who are “better” than everyone else because they are more knowledgeable, more self-righteous, and are like sandpaper with its grate gone. It is not enough to smooth out your rough edges but enough to get on your nerves.  I think God would rather have someone who could really express themselves than a self-righteous, gossipy, know-it-all, do gooder.

I know I would rather sit with someone who expressed himself (or herself) passionately than preached to me the dos and don’ts of a morally corrupt society (me). And I am made in His image. (Gen 1:27)

I remember once when my daughter was three years old and she was cooking on her pretend stove and dropped her spatula, she let out a “Damn.” I had to turn away to keep from busting a gut. I think God does that with us sometimes. I think He snickers.  So we can agree to disagree here.

And if all this fails to convince you, there is always forgiveness.

Love,

Connie

Road To Damascus

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on November 18, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

On my road to Damascus I had worshiped another god.

Persecuting the Lord Which separated me from a Love.

The long hot dusty roads I traveled only to seek another fix–I lied, I stole and I cheated altogether in self-satisfaction.

But now in a Holy moment, I was blinded by a pain too great that my loneliness could not be reckoned with.

At this instant, my sight was shaded by something  greater than I.

The sounds around me hastens my senses, “Who is there?” I cry.

And then, the tender touch of a hand guides me as He whispers.

I go.

For I was blind and now I see.

A dusty road I walk, led by His eyes.

The eyes of His surrender. The tender touch of His hand.

God is not dead nor does He sleep.

Beautifully Awkward

Eat Your Spinach

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on April 25, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

It is ironic that I am going through forgiveness at the same time I am working on my 4th step in a group I attend which is–to make amends (forgive) all those in my past and my present that have hurt me. Sometimes, I think it is easier to be mad because let’s face it, forgiveness is just —hard. In Proverbs 31 Ministries, she said it well, “Forgiveness is like spinach, you may not like it; but it’s good for you.”

At first when I heard the phrase “it’s good for you”, it had the same impact on me as it did when I was a child, I stubbornly fought tooth and nail—all the way! This not forgiving and living in my self-pity was my comfort zone. It gave me a motive to exist—sick as it may be.

As I fast forward my life to now, months later free from drugs, I continue to be thrown ropes from God to help pull me out of my Hell. One of those ropes is forgiving those that have hurt me and drove me deeper into my addiction. The more the pain, the more the drugs—I could numb myself to the sting of life.

I have had several significant situations in my life that were so devastating I felt like Christ on the Cross. How agonizing His words were as they came painfully spewing forth, “Abba, Abba why have You forsake me?”  Truly the epitome of abandonment as His Father turned His head and tearfully loved His Son to death.

This same abandonment brings me to a time I was wrongfully accused of crimes I did not commit. Even though these were not criminal they were personal, and I paid a tremendous price each time. I lost my job in both situations and my reputation was tainted. In each case, I was innocent—but in each situation a single person had a personal vendetta.

“Abba, Abba why have You forsaken me?” I cried.

Why couldn’t Abba vindicate the truth and set me free, right then? It took me so long to realize these situations held an incredible amount of power over my belief’s in who I– was not. I would not let that belief go nor would I let God take it from me. (2 Corinthians 12:7)

The other day someone in my family hurt me. I was not going to let it go. I was not going to forgive. I also had to give something to this person that I really couldn’t afford to do at this time.  So that made it even worse. God, surely understood.

I shouldn’t have to forgive. And that was my stance for all of 24 hours. Then the next morning, out of no where a scripture comes blasting me in the face. Matthew 18:21-35, Jesus shares the parable of the  cannot pay back his debt. When the man is reprieved of his debt, he goes out and beats a guy over the head to get his money back. He does not extend the grace and mercy he had been given. The king finds out and throws him in jail… Basically, God does not forgive those who do not forgive.

I immediately dropped to my knees and cried.

I forgave.

I changed my thoughts. For when I was young, I was in this exact circumstance as this person. Someone close to me extended the same mercy and helped me– Dollar for dollar, situation for situation.

I understood.

I asked God to forgive me…

His Daughter