Archive for emotions

A Force To Be Reckoned With

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on February 5, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

Sometimes, I just get depressed. I don’t know if it’s my personality or real depression. I try to figure out what is going on in my head by telling my sponsor or writing it down. Sometimes, it makes sense and sometimes it just doesn’t.

Already I have probably lost you. But I will try once again to explain this. For me.

I have highs and lows in any given second. I yell easily, cry hard and am timid when it comes to love. I might hug you if I feel safe with you. I still feel awkward at times with hugging people if I don’t know you. I absolutely will not open up to you unless I have known you for some time and then it is iffy (as I share my life on this blog 🙂  ).

I get anxious over small things and hit the big things with a force to be reckoned with. It is the fear of little things that devour me and worry me to death.  I worry about things that haven’t even happened and may never happen. Then after I have convinced myself that the worst has happened like my son has been in a wreck, I become crippled with fear. Geez …

By now, I’m terribly upset and I don’t want you or anyone to get me out of this craziness I have gotten myself into. I am in mental lockdown.

So, I went to the doctor… and he gave me some medicine for this “depression.” Eventually, all was well. I am like the pendulum swinging in the middle instead of the extremes. “So this is what it’s like? To be normal?”

My husband actually decided he liked the new me.  (instead of his screaming, yelling, crying temperamental wife)

At first, I felt like a failure… Another pill… but my friend said, diabetics take a pill…. You have a disease, take the pill. Not like I’m getting high on it!!

I don’t cry as hard… like I want to be a blubbering idiot anyway.

So I look at it this way, I’ve been dug out of the ditch to have a fighting chance to be who I really am.

To be Beautifully Awkward.

Advertisements

It’s OK To Not Feel OK

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on February 3, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

Getting clean and sober is a life-changing experience. I tried to hold it together with drugs and alcohol in place of humanity that would be strange and new. I was scared. This would be my new home– that without alcohol and drugs. I wasn’t sure I really liked this place. A place I would be required to feel every emotion good, bad and indifferent.

Nonetheless, recovery is about attaining a place in my world. I would move away from my safe haven (or what I thought to be safe) to a new circle of friends and even family. I would find a new career. I would develop new interests. And I would finally become an adult.

Change is never easy. Finding a place I “belong” into a world –I intuitively know –where most people don’t even know I exist.

So it is no wonder I was stuck for so long in my addiction. It takes great courage to move out into the world. Actually, I never learned it was OK to not feel OK. And being stuck was my way of life.

It really is not the addiction so much as fear I experienced… Fear of change and of changing.

Today…. Life just Simply is…

Beautifully Awkward

 

A Simple Prayer

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on January 28, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

What do I oppose?

Scoundrels? Thieves? Skid row bums?

not really….

Who do I defend?

God? Family? Friends?

I’d like to say yes…

Searching for things…in my own life to fill that insatiable hunger that goes on into the night calling me by name.  And I feed its’ hunger like a furious wild animal gone too long without food. I forget to see above my natural instinct of desires and fall into the pit of longing.

Great regret sets in for having tumbled over enticing moments in time.

But grace sets in and reminds me of the Voice of Hope.

Not joining in would be an act of betrayal.

Simple faith… one simple day.

From a simple prayer.

Beautifully Awkward

The Whisper of Stillness

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 26, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

I am discombobulated. But my world is just fine. I have no real reason for this feeling. My insides are in turmoil. I am trying to pray for peace but even that is hard to do now. So, I have to tell You God, “I’m not doing too well on this spiritual flight…”

Chaos–the life of an addict.

I guess I keep waiting for something supernatural or some terrific explosion to happen as I go frolicking through the meadows of continual bustle and everlasting hopelessness. Commotion and lots of it… that is what I am used to. It seems disarray is when and where God usually turns up in my life—or so it seems. His presence is always needed for me to finally settle and to feel an inner peace.

I am reminded of this scripture,” 11 The LORD said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by. “ Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.” (1 King 19:11-12)

God was in the gentle whisper…

I go back into another time in my life when my pitiful existence was crumbling like a stale cookie. I was walking through the exhibit at a meeting I was attending. A lady walked up to me and handed me a little statue of a child. On the bottom of the child was the scripture, “Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10) When I looked up to thank the lady, she was gone. How did she know?

Now, I try to remember that when life gets crazy and when I am discombobulated to “Be still…” and listen for “….the gentle whisper…” of God’s sweet voice.

For that is when I will find my Heavenly Father ready to untangle the mess I have created.

Beautifully Awkward

The Cinderella Life

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on May 23, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

I happen to be scanning through some words written on a post today when I suddenly stopped. Something set wrong with me, very wrong. I could hear in the echo’s the utterance this person said to me months earlier; “The world is going to judge you and treat you harsh.” And now the “harsh” was staring me in the face. I guess I chose to believe in the Cinderella Story where the poor girl marries the Prince and lives happily ever after. I believed the world would not judge a recovering drug addict (recovering be the key word, right?) a less than worthy person as unacceptable to be associated with. But today, my eyes see the world as it is and not through rose-stained glasses. For the very person that said the world would judge me, is the very one that indeed was judging me from society’s point of view.

My heart is broken once again. But like he said, “The world is harsh.”

Initially, my emotions rolled between anger and hurt– The kind of hurt where tears welled up in the back of my throat. The pain was so intense my heart literally ached.  I wanted to cry out hurtful words.

But I prayed, instead.

“I prayed for God to touch me and to touch you. God showed me that you probably didn’t realize the sorrow you caused.”

How many times had I caused someone pain and not realized it. (Matthew 7:3-5)

I am reminded of who I am… who you are… and who He is…

I am thankful… (1 Thessalonians 5:18)

Maybe I do have a Cinderella Life after all… (John 10:10)

Beautifully Awkward

Then Sings My Soul

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on October 25, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

My awakening…followed by nights of slumber.

I toss.

I turn.

There will be moments of clarity before the fog rolls back into my mind hindering my thought process once again.

My brain begins to play games with me–teasing me. I fall into its’ drama. I believe the deception it whispers.

Similar to a small animal in a maze, I can only see that which appears in the moment. Yet, wishing I could rise like the Eagle above the clouds, soaring high as the wind guides her wings. Nevertheless, the scenario’s are two distinct patterns of my life at different times in a given day.

Most days though, I hover in between…not quite sure where I belong. Impatiently, I wait… for the right time that never comes. But I try to fit in. I do try — to belong.

A glance…A shrug…A smile

Maybe, if I’m lucky.

In return, my soul.

I all too freely give away my heart before its ripened to maturity. Thus, allowing the pulsating motions regulated through the elements of sensitivity to run away with that which is pressing .

As I fall back to sleep, He is there…He dances with my spirit.

My feet move, trying to find the rhythm. My heartbeat slows down to the sound of rain and the sense of His presence.

Then sings my soul…

Beautifully Awkward

Emotions Gone Wild

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on September 22, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Emotions abound…Gone wild in a sense.

Today is a new day—so are my passions.

It has been hard to write lately– Mostly, because my emotions are all over the page. I start, I delete. Or I realize I have just rambled on endlessly about something totally weird.  I have to laugh, because that “weird” is who I am– The uniqueness of me.

You see I was born deformed… that is in the “emotional” sense.  I am deficient of the inborn instinct that not even I can touch but always sought to feed with my physical cravings. Its hunger was insatiable. I rummaged through the cupboards of my life trying to gratify its desire.

And I longed to fill the void.

I have sought foolish dreams that in retrospect left me with a deep soul-sickness and heartbreaking emptiness. But each time, I would rise from the rubble reveling with a stronger pride and self-righteousness—the drink of oblivion — Then self-justification.  It became my lifelong cycle.

Despair.

Eventually, the day came when I no longer looked in the mirror. It had been a long time since I had recognized that person anyway.  And it wouldn’t be long before “well-meaning” family and friends would hold up a picture of me and who I had become. 

Denial–which only continued to feed my worthlessness.

Then the day came… “I let you go.”

I don’t know if it was me, God or those I loved but I imagine all–for the impact was tremendous, I fell back and it would be sometime before I could catch my breath.  My fight was gone. Not so much within me, but within the place I longed to fill.

”I have released you to God…” So were my circumstances.

The dark corners of my emotional vault burst forth a wonder—Not just survival.

But Life!

Beautifully Awkward.