Archive for despair

The Tainted Flower

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on March 12, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

This past weekend I went to visit my best friend. We go a long ways back, back to the days of nursing school. We were more acquaintances at that time but I knew who she was. I’m sure I hung out in the cool crowd and I probably talked to her on occasions. 🙂 After nursing school though, we worked close in proximity and became best of friends.

Over thirty years have passed with a lot of tears and laughter along the way. We have been there for each other through the good and the bad. She knows everything about me.

This past weekend was no different from any other. It was filled with surprises, reminiscing and laughter. We were sharing how she almost left me at a convenient store because she thought it was being robbed. She was literally pulling out of the store when I came out. I had to run and jump in her convertible as she was leaving the store. I have not let her live that one down.

Or the millions of times we have sung Stayin Alive by the Bee Gee’s totally out of tune. There was also the time we had people following us in the store saying, “This is the best day of my life” as they heard us saying it and because we were laughing so hard over our pig findings (she collects the little curly tail things—for whatever reason).

We are forever making memories and this weekend was no different. She had fixed dinner and fixed a great salad. I did all but lick the bowl. Now that I think of it, I might have. I asked her about the dressing and she said raspberry something…. I said, “No way, I hate raspberries.” So she went and got the bottle out of the refrigerator. She brought it out to where we were sitting in the living room floor. We were having a picnic. And there it was, “Raspberry Vinaigrette with …” “GOOD GOD.” I YELLED. It has poppy seeds in it. She sort of gave me this blank what-I’d-do-look and shrugged her shoulders. I was still yelling. “I’m going down. I’m going straight to poppy-seed hell. I’m busted. I’m… “I don’t know what all I said but I think I began talking in tongue. Her face was blank.

Finally, I said, “poppy seeds will give me a positive drug screen if I’m tested.” Then she started screaming. So we were both screaming. I grabbed my phone and started an engine search on my smart phone Google that was apparently smarter than me at the moment. But eventually I could say, thank goodness for Google. Yep, one bagel can give you a positive drug screen. I’m sure I ingested a bagel’s worth; after all, I licked the bowl.

So Iwas frantically calling every possible person I knew in the program. One said, don’t eat the poppy seeds. Well duh. By then, everyone was friggin freaking out. Yes, you’ll test positive.

The next 48 hours were hell. I waited for a phone call to go test, which never came. I don’t know how I was going to explain this.

So now my friend and I can remember the time she fed me an opium plant.

Love, Connie

Another One Down

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on June 26, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

Friday night and another one down…

She had hoped and prayed this time would be different.

But a little too much fighting and not enough love…

The bottle became her escape like days before.

Morning came and the light shone in…

Realization of her sin made clear.

Shadows danced and haunted her soul…

How does she get out of this hole?

She cried her tears but no one could hear…

Lying in her room staring at the ceiling.

Hope was gone, shame set in…

She reached over and took a sip of stale pain.

The night was setting and what had she done…

Her mind was foggy and she didn’t care.

Shadows danced and haunted her soul…

How does she get out of this hole?

Morning came but where was she?

Quietly she slipped out of this pain.

Another one down, dead to disease.

How do we get out of this hole?

When the world takes her toll?

Another one down……

In Memory of a “Friend”

Beautifully Awkward

The Cinderella Life

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on May 23, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

I happen to be scanning through some words written on a post today when I suddenly stopped. Something set wrong with me, very wrong. I could hear in the echo’s the utterance this person said to me months earlier; “The world is going to judge you and treat you harsh.” And now the “harsh” was staring me in the face. I guess I chose to believe in the Cinderella Story where the poor girl marries the Prince and lives happily ever after. I believed the world would not judge a recovering drug addict (recovering be the key word, right?) a less than worthy person as unacceptable to be associated with. But today, my eyes see the world as it is and not through rose-stained glasses. For the very person that said the world would judge me, is the very one that indeed was judging me from society’s point of view.

My heart is broken once again. But like he said, “The world is harsh.”

Initially, my emotions rolled between anger and hurt– The kind of hurt where tears welled up in the back of my throat. The pain was so intense my heart literally ached.  I wanted to cry out hurtful words.

But I prayed, instead.

“I prayed for God to touch me and to touch you. God showed me that you probably didn’t realize the sorrow you caused.”

How many times had I caused someone pain and not realized it. (Matthew 7:3-5)

I am reminded of who I am… who you are… and who He is…

I am thankful… (1 Thessalonians 5:18)

Maybe I do have a Cinderella Life after all… (John 10:10)

Beautifully Awkward

The Broken Spirit

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 3, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

But it has been a year …or so… I should be… I should be what? Over it? Better?

How did it happen that my physical body heals and the emotional body was left unnoticed –for a time? I was doing so well and then I hit “The Wall.” My emotional breaking point.

No reason, really. Maybe you said something to me, looked at me a certain way, it really doesn’t matter because the break was bound to happen with you or without you. See it had nothing to do with you. I needed this final fracture of my spirit.

Now, I have nothing left.

“It is finished.” John 19:30

My spirit I give to the Father.

Beautifully Awkward

The Weathered Life Part II

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on November 28, 2010 by Her Broken Wing
Turning her life over to God wasn’t easy. She had never trusted anyone. So coming to Him was her last desperate call-to-hope.
 

 

She thought to herself as she stood by the heater– her teeth chattering, “Why didn’t I stop?” The poison ran through her veins and the demons screamed through the cracks of her hell. But she could not let go. She would sell off pieces of her soul each day. Not until the horrible day.

She watched as her days washed out like the tide. Time was gone like the Sun as it set for good, leaving her dark and alone. Sadness had rested in her heart in places that she thought would never heal.

The memories still hurt and she tried not to go back there often.

He was only five. He loved her more than anything and he would wait like he did each time. But this particular day, she had too much of a bad thing. The drugs ran through her body. But she went home like she always did– anyway. She took the same route, although she didn’t remember it. She even thought, “What would she tell her husband this time?” She knew she would lie to him. And she knew he would expect it. It was their dance.

But this time it was different, she never saw him.

She had pulled into the driveway with tremendous speed. She underestimated the distance. Again. There was a loud thump. She figured her son left his bike out. She would scold him when she went in the house. She got out of the car and walked to the back of her car.

And there, at that moment, she would not ever be able to turn back the clock. She dropped to her knees and held her lifeless little boy.

The rest is a blur.

To be con’t

Beautifully Awkward

The Weathered Life

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on November 21, 2010 by Her Broken Wing
She came into the house from the cold. She dropped her old worn-out coat over the heater to dry it out from the dreary rain that continued to darkened the skies. She thought to herself, the weather was much like that of her moods these days. She looked around. The house was empty and smelled stale from its lack of attention  just like her own life.

 

When had it come to this? Why had it come to this?
 
She sat down in the old battered sofa that she had acquired from the side of a road. She figured she could fix it up some day with some nice fabric but for now it served its purpose. A place to sit and a place to sleep.
 
For a moment she would allow herself to go back in time. It started innocently enough. She had been sick. The doctor gave her some medicine for the pain. And for the first time in her pathetic little life, she felt good. The world went away, the pains and all its worries followed.
 
Where did she cross the line?
 
Who defines pain anyway? Physical, emotional, even spiritual?
 
When did she cross the line of her physical sickness into emotional and then into spiritual?
 
When did she become an “Addict”?

 With each pill, she gave up a little piece of her soul. With each high, she lost one more endearing part of her life. Eventually she was left barren. She had sold her soul to the Devil.
 
But that was not enough, she would begin to take parts of their life, too. And she did. Their lives were shattered in the path of her destruction.
 
 Now in a barren home–she would start over after many years living like a caged animal.
 
 
And…
 
Only through Mercy would she come to Him.
 
 Beautifully Awkward
 
 

 

Jessica’s Hope

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on October 16, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Our stories do not always end happily ever after… that is here on earth. For the disease of addiction is powerful and painful.

It is lonely.

She was tired and she lost all hope. When the hope was gone, she was done.

And in that moment, she took her own life.

The system had  failed her.

But God had not…

And with that “Jessica’s Hope” will prevail.

Beautifully Awkward