Archive for Broken

Safe Haven

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on February 18, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

I would like for this to be a safe place for you to come and read—what you already know! We all need a place where we can remove our armor with the prayer that no one will shoot us down. We need a sanctuary to hide out and be ourselves.

Many of us are hurting. A lot. So we come here to cry. A lot. I have not cried much if at all in the past several months. Today I cried. A lot. Brokenhearted over my own inadequacies, I cried. I cried over the roads I have traveled and the roads I have yet to travel.

The Bible says, God “binds up the brokenhearted…” (Psalm 147:3) I often wondered what that meant, maybe because I never allowed myself to feel anything enough to be broken in spirit. But I know what it feels like to hurt now. I also know what it feels like to sense total peace in the midst of emotions run riot. I can inhale and exhale the presence of my Lord. I can smell the aroma of sweet rain and know it is Him. I can hear a song and know the words are God speaking to me. I can look at my kids and know God loves me more than I love my children.

Still sometimes I need to escape the chaos and be still in His presence. Whether I find a quiet lake to sit by or go for a brisk walk with my music, I find God there. He is always there. “Do you feel My presence my child?”

I am overwhelmed by His love at times. And His sweet aroma brings me to tears…

May we sing out of tune, paint outside the lines and dance the Waltz…

Love you,

Connie

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And Freedom Rings

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on August 20, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

Defective relations along the way have been many a cause of my woes….Not just the relationship with family and friends but God.  The further into my addiction I fell, the more difficult it was to hear the calls of my Heavenly Father…

Willingness to submit to God’s will was an awkward thing for me. In the beginning it was a conscious and painstaking effort. Then my awareness of this stirring became more of a discomfort and unease.  I was self-righteously right on all accounts in every relationship. This only caused more strife in my life.

Once I came to a point of complete brokenness, I had nothing left to interfere with the voice of God. Through my powerlessness, I came to believe a power greater than myself and I could hear that still small voice reaching out to me. (1 Kings 19:11-13) A tremendous love beckoned me. (1 Jn 4:10)

I had been my own worst enemy.

A few pills won’t hurt anyone….But it did.

For a moment in my brief life, I have resolved there is still time… time to clear the wreckage. I sift through the pains of yesterday. I pick up the pieces of scattered sorrows, some I leave.

Discomfort and unrest have now caused me to take action…my unmanageable life is now lived through the love of God…

There is a choice now for I am free.

And Freedom Rings….

Beautifully Awkward

Another One Down

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on June 26, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

Friday night and another one down…

She had hoped and prayed this time would be different.

But a little too much fighting and not enough love…

The bottle became her escape like days before.

Morning came and the light shone in…

Realization of her sin made clear.

Shadows danced and haunted her soul…

How does she get out of this hole?

She cried her tears but no one could hear…

Lying in her room staring at the ceiling.

Hope was gone, shame set in…

She reached over and took a sip of stale pain.

The night was setting and what had she done…

Her mind was foggy and she didn’t care.

Shadows danced and haunted her soul…

How does she get out of this hole?

Morning came but where was she?

Quietly she slipped out of this pain.

Another one down, dead to disease.

How do we get out of this hole?

When the world takes her toll?

Another one down……

In Memory of a “Friend”

Beautifully Awkward

The Broken Spirit

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 3, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

But it has been a year …or so… I should be… I should be what? Over it? Better?

How did it happen that my physical body heals and the emotional body was left unnoticed –for a time? I was doing so well and then I hit “The Wall.” My emotional breaking point.

No reason, really. Maybe you said something to me, looked at me a certain way, it really doesn’t matter because the break was bound to happen with you or without you. See it had nothing to do with you. I needed this final fracture of my spirit.

Now, I have nothing left.

“It is finished.” John 19:30

My spirit I give to the Father.

Beautifully Awkward

Save Me From Myself

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 19, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

When I was a little girl, there were monsters that camped out in my bedroom. Within a short time, I had my youngest sister convinced of a devastating fate. This happened every night for a period of time. My precious dad set up a vigil in our room saving us from the monsters until we were asleep. Morning would come and the monsters were gone.

Years later, I was once again faced with the monsters of the world. With my heart-broken and shattered, my dad came to my rescue picking up every broken piece. My dad taught me the dance-of-life and chased away the monsters.

The road of happenstance had left me with a battlefield in my mind–a civil war. Monsters wreaked havoc in their words of unworthiness.

My dad has long since gone Home. He can no longer save me from myself and the world I have created. But he left me with his Father for I now face this dance with my Heavenly Father.  (Job 21:11)

Although I have tried to give up a time or two, the road always leads back to You.

And the war rages on, holding on or letting go… Father save me from myself.

Beautifully Awkward

A Love Affair

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on January 4, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

It is darkest before the dawn. I lie in the shadowy part of the night clenched tightly to my covers. The Voice in my head is unrelenting. I toss and I turn. There is an emptiness I cannot fill with all the drugs in the world.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.…” Matthew 11:28

The Voice again.

Night after night. When will it stop?

Something is definitely missing in my life. There has to be more. I am vulnerable now. I am broken.

*Sigh*

I have been reckless and wild–trying to fill the need, that deep longing. But the wild life was not it.

The pastor calls from the pulpit, demands I come, I do, but that was not it either. Maybe a small group and study of the Word. The hole is still there. I have a general sickness and lethargy of the heart.

Am I just spiritually immature?

Once again the Voice speaks, the Voice calls, this time in a passionate longing that desires to be satisfied. And through reckless abandonment –a deep love affair is found. Through my broken and crumbled spirit–The longing is filled. All through a fervent love affair.

For My burden is light… and My love is deep…

Beautifully Awkward

The Weathered Life Part II

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on November 28, 2010 by Her Broken Wing
Turning her life over to God wasn’t easy. She had never trusted anyone. So coming to Him was her last desperate call-to-hope.
 

 

She thought to herself as she stood by the heater– her teeth chattering, “Why didn’t I stop?” The poison ran through her veins and the demons screamed through the cracks of her hell. But she could not let go. She would sell off pieces of her soul each day. Not until the horrible day.

She watched as her days washed out like the tide. Time was gone like the Sun as it set for good, leaving her dark and alone. Sadness had rested in her heart in places that she thought would never heal.

The memories still hurt and she tried not to go back there often.

He was only five. He loved her more than anything and he would wait like he did each time. But this particular day, she had too much of a bad thing. The drugs ran through her body. But she went home like she always did– anyway. She took the same route, although she didn’t remember it. She even thought, “What would she tell her husband this time?” She knew she would lie to him. And she knew he would expect it. It was their dance.

But this time it was different, she never saw him.

She had pulled into the driveway with tremendous speed. She underestimated the distance. Again. There was a loud thump. She figured her son left his bike out. She would scold him when she went in the house. She got out of the car and walked to the back of her car.

And there, at that moment, she would not ever be able to turn back the clock. She dropped to her knees and held her lifeless little boy.

The rest is a blur.

To be con’t

Beautifully Awkward