Archive for Beauty

Living In An Extraordinary World

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on May 21, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

Some days I was living an extraordinary life in an ordinary world… other days, I was trying to survive an ordinary life in an extraordinary world.

Mostly, I would vacillate between the two.

Not sure which I preferred, I found out it really didn’t matter. I was unseen and forgotten a majority of days. Maybe I was too ordinary…. Or contrarily— in a sad sense.

It was a funny thing—my disease. I discovered one day quite by accident I could take “the pills and the booze” and they would make me come alive in my own little world (or so I thought). I was flying over mountain tops. I was finally somebody. Now all my days were extraordinary. “Beautiful”, I thought.

This time of ecstasy was short-lived, however.

The subsequent highs were never as good as the first. And it was not long before my body begged for more. It took more and more to get me to a place where I could just function as an ordinary person.

The disease is all cunning, baffling and powerful—it sneaks up on you. It bites you before you realize you are bitten. (John 8:44)…

This disease spoke to me… whispers in the night… lured me like a lover and then left me cold and alone.

Despair is a powerful motivator.

Standing at the River of Sorrow—the tears came and I finally surrendered.

“Good”, I say.

Today, I am an extraordinary person in an extraordinary world….

Beautifully Awkward

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From Ashes To Beauty

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 14, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

“…He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,…
   to bestow on them a crown of beauty
   instead of ashes, the oil of joy
   instead of mourning, and a garment of praise
   instead of a spirit of despair…” Isaiah 61


The Phoenix story is told that it has a 500 to 1000 year life-cycle, near the end of which it builds itself a nest of twigs that then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix or phoenix egg arises, reborn anew to live again.

While I might not have that long to live, in likeness, my short life I must die to live. (Matt 26:25)

So out of my rubble, I become something more beautiful than I was before. Free of the bondage that brought me to despair– That I too may be bestowed a crown of beauty.

From the ashes I arose to a garment of praise…

Beautifully Awkward

I Am Woman

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on March 27, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

I am not enough and yet too much— all at the same time… I am Woman… 

My career has always been my identity. I measured my worth based on where I was on the rung of the corporate ladder. So needless to say, when I fell from my professional ascend into the pits of despair, I lost all hope.

At the same time, as I had been taking too many drugs, sleeping too much, running fast to keep away the demons of my past, I was too sensitive and too opinionated.

All the result of shame that sought me though the cracks and crevices of my life. It would ooze through the walls built around me that I thought would protect me. Such an irony of my secluded existence which eventually became exposed.

If only I had done things different… (Whatever that looks like)

Maybe if I had tried harder…(Whatever that means)

In the mess I created, I only wished to be loved, accepted and pursued. Yes, pursued. I wanted to be loved by someone. So I started filling that void with people, things and then…drugs. It would take tremendous pain before I would realize that all these things were not filling the void but only making the emptiness bigger and wider in my life.

Built within my soul was and is a deep passionate desire to live. I desire intimacy. I desire being pursued. That is how God made me as a woman — To find great meaning as a woman.

The veil of shame and guilt was removed on the Cross. I choose whether to fill the void with Him, my Savior. For He pursued me. Now I pursue Him. (1 John 4:19)

May I be the woman of Your great story told.

 Beautifully Awkward

 

 

 

A Drunkard’s Cry

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on March 23, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

Do you wonder as you watch my face?

Is it the silence?

Or is it the tears of shame?

I invite you to climb into my world over the walls built of mortar made of guilt and pain. I invite you to share my shame. Do you hear my drunkards cry in the darkest part of the night? Once more vowing to give up the stronghold of my addiction. Once more praying for help.

*Sigh*

How many prayers have there been like this?

A beautiful mess that I am. (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

Only through the rumblings of something greater than I, do the walls fall around me. Revealing a new skin, a new likeness of His Son. Preserved for such a time as this. (Esther 4:14)

As you watch my face, do you see Him?

A Beautiful Awkwardness?