Til Spring Comes

Posted in Uncategorized on January 9, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

 

    Let my teaching fall like rain and my words descent like dew, like showers on new grass, like abundant rain on tender plants” Deuteronomy 32:2

“Where have you been?” My Mom would say when I was a kid, when I had been gone a long time. Well life happened.  Real life. Hard life. But even through it, I stayed clean.  February 1, I will celebrate 8 years clean and sober. Happy birthday to me.  (Not the belly button kind).  Every year is a huge milestone for me. It is really hard work. Not the staying physically sober but the emotional sobriety  .

The past four years that I have been off my blog I’ve been dealing with my raw emotions of shame and quilt of my life. That done to me and that in which I did. Shame is an ugly thing. Owning my story is so hard but not nearly as hard as spending my life running from it. And that is just what I have done. Seizing my vulnerability is risky but not as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that made me the  vulnerable. Only when I was brave enough to delve back into the darkness will I find the power of the promise of Spring.

It’s been a long winter for me figuratively. Cold. My world has been brown and gray but I am beginning to see peeks of blues and greens through the melting snow. The warm sun begins to soak into my lifeless soul. The birds sing harmony.

Til Spring Comes

blessings

Connie

Advertisements

Who Would Have Thought?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 16, 2014 by Her Broken Wing

Image

It’s been 4 1/2 years now… I have been through hell and back… the funny thing is, I remember saying, “if I just get clean…” I thought to myself, life would be easy peasy… boy was I wrong. that was the easy part… life has been hard … finding out why I did (do) what I do. Going back in time and undoing the hard stuff that has happened in my life. What is the saying, “Life isn’t for sissy’s?” yea I get that now.

So, through my constant battle of staying sober, clean, and battling an eating disorder … I am proud no grateful to say, I am clean, sober … and here and now working with those with the same afflictions. I am using my nursing degree to work in the mental health field.

I have spent the last 3 years working in an area I was pretty much miserable in. But saying that, grateful for that opportunity to learn something and meet new people. Yes, through all this, I am learning gratitude.

I had pretty much came to the point I needed to move on but didn’t know how. So… God did for me what I could not do for myself. Oh yes, I had moments of uncertainty, insecurity, worry and all that. But I surrendered it all and God just showed up… amazingly. As HE ALWAYS DOES…

I would like to say life is perfect now… It is not. I am going through a lot as we speak. But I trust God has my back. so I will not look back… Only forward to the goal ahead. (Phill 3:14)

So… who would have thought… today, I’d be here….and you’d be here..

Much love, Connie

It’s Over

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on March 13, 2014 by Her Broken Wing

Pay it forwardOver 4 years…. 4 lonnnnnng years I might add, it’s finally over… I’m done with the nursing board consent order. I did my thing of jumping through hoops… It was truly a life saving experience I might add. I wouldn’t have changed a thing. I am grateful for those I have met along my journey.

I now pray that I can pay-it-forward to someone else.

Thank you Lord

Happy Birthday to me…

Posted in Uncategorized on January 15, 2013 by Her Broken Wing

candleIt has been 3 years of sobriety… I would like to say it has been all happy trails but it has not been… but it has been much better sober than it ever was when I was high.

So Happy Birthday… 3  years clean and sober to me…

Blessings to you

Connie

Demons and Dragons

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on May 6, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

 

The other day, my husband and I were talking about a time in his life when he was faced with a medical crisis. He could have easily died. Then we talked about where I was in my addiction at that time unbeknownst to him. He had no idea of the demons I was struggling with. Heck, I consciously was unaware myself.

Life is just funny like that when I look back on it…glimpsing at how intertwined and interwoven God has mapped out my days. So, hubby and I went on to talk about the what ifs had turned out different in our life, we may be facing a different time for our family now.

But we were one of the lucky ones.

Not just because my husband lived but because I am clean today– No small feat. No small miracle!

Some days when I find it hard to get out of bed and carry on, I try to remember that God has a greater plan for me. (Jer 29:11)

I don’t know what the plan is but I know what it has taught me thus far. What sobriety has taught me is I’m no longer quick to judge. I have been where most people will never go so who am I to judge.

I love deeply. I have learned to love past all the warts and scars.

I inhale the sweet aromas of fresh blooming flowers. I have come to cherish the vibrant colors and fresh scents they exude.

I now enjoy silence and the stillness of peace in the midst of Chaos. I sense the breath of the God Almighty.

The demons and the slayers of dragons—are shadows of the past.

Today I enjoy—me.

Beautifully awkward…

Love,

Connie

Be Still

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on April 29, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

Sometimes… it’s about being still in the midst of Choas… (Psalm 46:10)

 

Love,

Connie

And The Meadows Sing

Posted in Uncategorized on April 13, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

Did I mention that I hate this disease? I mean I really H.A.T.E the disease of addiction! It comes to those of us like a lover in the night and steals our innocence. It leaves us longing for more in the morning only to find us caressing loneliness. Her web of deception entangles us into her mighty arms–waking up to find all those on our journey—gone. We have become one enmeshed in the sickness of her long and spirally little limbs. Her venom reeks through our pores leaving us helpless. Leaving us wanting more. Leaving us– Addicted.

We get here from not being all here.

Call it what you may. We  I find the seductiveness of this disease luring. She comes to me in a beautiful package. Exquisite in nature. She slides carelessly behind me calling out my name with a passion and sense of urgency. I desire to be pursued. I feel her touch and her breath against my neck. The chills run through my body. I’m excited now. I succumb. One more time.

The scene now becomes grotesque. Suddenly there is a feeling of abandonment. The world starts spinning out of control. The desires are now despair. She scoffs at my lack of willpower. I weep.

The road ahead is a mirage. In the distance, I see pink clouds I once floated on but they dissipate quickly leaving a haze of empty planes. Roads less traveled are long and arduous—demanding more of me that I have to give.

I want to wake up from this dream but it’s not a dream. It’s real. It’s life.

Along the way, I find a friend. He whispers…”Come, my burden is light…” (Matt 11:28-30) Reluctantly, I take His hand. I go.

Mountaintops, meadows and oceans sing out in a harmonious rhythm that brings tears to my eyes. They respond to His voice. The flowers bow down. And yet I timidly walk along side Him. Not sure. Not Knowing. Why? Why don’t I give in like the hills do?

Surrender, complete and utter defeat. I should know that by now. I cannot walk this passage alone.

Let me find you… once more…

God …Sobriety… Serenity…

To my friend, may you find your way back home!

Love,

Connie